Cold hands, warm shart.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I figured if he was OK cheating on his gf with a guy, he'd be OK with me posting his number to m4m Craigslist Ads
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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