So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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