Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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