Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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