john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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