this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
