I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
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