If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
love makes seman taste better
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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