I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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