you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
