theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Randomize
