craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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