Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
Randomize
