oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I'm just crazy horny about you
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
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