I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
