this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
Randomize
