i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
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