my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Randomize
