So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
