My cat gives me a boner
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
