three words: i give head
three words: not that well
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
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