I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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