I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
should my penis look like a turkey
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
