What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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