she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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