well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
Randomize
