i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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