i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
