We won't sleep together?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
