He uses pillows to masturbate.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Randomize
