My dick has been asking about u. He said he didn't do anything wrong n I'm a dumbass
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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