I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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