Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize