Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
