is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize