last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
