im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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