Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Randomize
