why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
