I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
