You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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