As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I think pants incapable of making pants work
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
