It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
