is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
