i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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