so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize