I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
