My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
But never have I ever had sex with a dirty talker before, so it was something else, to say the least. I signed up to get laid, not play Penthouse Mad Libs.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
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