what day is it and did you see me today?
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
