I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
Randomize