Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
