i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
dude. I can hear the air.
Randomize
