Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Randomize
