Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
